Bevy and her husband at the Aiken (SC) Steeple Chase
I asked Bevy, It's a Golden Day, a few weeks ago if she would do a guest post for me for a Mind Your Manners Monday. She was more than happy to oblige. Yesterday she emailed me to tell me that she had changed her topic and she asked if she could write a post on Manners and the Handicapped. I thought it was a brilliant idea which struck home as La Jolie Grandmere was in a wheelchair for most of her life as well.
For those of you who are familiar with Bevy's blog you know that her husband is in a wheelchair. For those of you who don't know this read this post and then this post. And then stay around and read the rest of her wonderful and inspirational blog!
Thanks Bevy, for being a dear friend and for agreeing to write this! XOXO
*****************
Thank you so much Entertaining Mom for inviting me to be a part of Mind Your Manners Monday! You are a dear, and I’m very excited to share some etiquette rules one should follow when spending time with people with disabilities… it’s what consumes me!
Some of you may know me and my family’s life. If you do not (and still want to know more after reading my manners post), I invite you to read “Meet My Husband Part I and Part II. My husband is in a wheelchair due to a condition known as Freidriech’s Ataxia. Because we are a very active family in our town, I have the opportunity to see and experience the manners (or lack thereof) of those we encounter. I really don’t think the people we see are intentionally trying to be less than considerate or polite. I think they just don’t know… so, here I am to educate you from a family with a “diffability”.
1. Be Aware People with disabilities are all around you. They are at your jobs, in your clubs, go to your children’s schools, and at your church. Look out for people who may be trying to maneuver their wheelchair or walker through a group of people. I can not tell you HOW MANY TIMES we say, very politely, “Excuse me. Excuse us,” and people are so involved in their conversations that we have to repeat ourselves. Think about the last time you went shopping at Christmas with the masses or were at a benefit with over 500 people in a crowded ballroom… now put yourself in a wheelchair.
2. Please do not stare My husband knows he is different. He’s very aware he is stuck in this chair. But he is not an invalid. (He is rather hot… just ask my friends!) Please teach your children and each other that EVERYONE has differences and issues. My husband’s are just more overt.
3. In social settings, please do not talk “over” us as we are still in the room. Of all of my rules, this is probably the one that most of you have never even thought about. It happens often at cocktail parties and other events. Everyone else is standing up, so our eyes tend to look at people on eye level. My husband is a good two feet below everyone around him. (This ties in to my Be Aware rule.) I remember one Christmas party in particular. My husband and I had only been married a short while and we went back to my hometown to attend and annual ornament swap. It was just lovely, and I wanted everyone to meet my new husband. I had a wonderful time visiting with old friends, but I don’t think he did until this wonderful man SAT DOWN beside him to chat. They talked for quite a while. As I noticed this, I now tend to sit beside him so that people are forced to look both of us in the eye and not over us.
4. When including us in social events/parties, keep in mind the amount of steps into your home or building. Most all public places are mandated to be handicapped accessible. Private homes are not. On that note, do not be hesitant when inviting. We are very resourceful… we just need a little planning!
5. Understand it takes us longer to do things or get places than it takes you. Have you ever tried to shower and get dressed in a wheelchair? And even though we are extremely blessed with this amazing custom bathroom, it is still very slow and aggravating. Getting in the car takes longer. Getting out of the car takes longer. You get the picture!
6. Handicapped parking spaces are there for a reason. This one really, really, really gets to me! Even this gracious southern lady who instills manners in her own children as well as students had been known to lose it. Do not use your grandmother’s placard to get the closest space to the grocery store. If there are no handicapped parking spaces available, we have no room for my husband to get out of the car and into his wheelchair. No lie… we have had to leave a restaurant because there was no parking available for us. And I don’t even have to tell you of the people (able-bodied) who are just sitting in the handicapped parking spaces. (But I doubt any of them read this blog!) My husband does not even use the handicapped parking when I have to run in the grocery store for a few minutes. If he is sitting in the car waiting for me, he parks in a regular spot.
7. Handicapped seating at games/church/events are too! If you can walk without any aid, you do not need to sit there. I promise we would much rather sit where all of you are able. We don’t sit here by choice. It is very restrictive. We can not even take our two boys to college football games and sit together as a family. Only two can sit in the handicapped section.
Actually, the place where I get the most angry is at church. I can not tell you how many times I have had to point to my husband and ask a little old lady if she would mind moving up one row, out of the HANDICAPPED ONLY, PLEASE seats. Most are sweet and move. Some begrudgingly get up. One refused as she wanted to make sure her family saw her so they could sit with her. Needless to say, I got absolutely nothing out of the service that day… and whenever I see her, I confess I have very unchristian thoughts.
8. Do hold doors as it is just the polite thing to do. You may also ask the wife/son/daughter if they need help lifting and putting wheelchairs in the car. Don’t get your feelings hurt if the person says no… they will take you up on your offer after a while! (This is from my own personal experience and independence issues…)
9. It’s ok to ask about condition after you get to know us a bit. But still use your best judgment. This is just my opinion, but I use it as a wonderful tool to educate people of my husband’s condition.
So here you go. Some of these suggestions/rules are second nature to most of you. Some you may have never thought of. My last request is for you to go out and share this information with your friends. I just know someone will appreciate it!